There are times when I ask myself, why I didn't just stay a good girl. Life would be so much simpler. Less challenge, no boundary pushing hangovers, less pain. But I can handle those things, I can handle feeling hurt and losing people - what I can't handle is hurting others. Especially when it's in the pursuit of my own pleasure! That just confronts me with everything I was told is wrong about going with your needs and feelings. All those messages: it hurts others, it's selfish, it lacks responsibility, it's living a fantasy and makes me just about the worst kind of woman in the world (by my family's definition). Yet even when I manage to push aside my conditioning and rely on my own ethics, I'm unimpressed with myself today.
So I did what most of us would do when we've mucked up: I panicked, phoned a friend, took shelter with my sweet and reliable husband, hoping one of them would ease the bad feelings that were making me feel so nauseous. It didn't work. I briefly considered pretending to myself that there were things I hadn't known about the situation, so that perhaps I could try to wriggle my way out of it that way. I threw that one out as soon as it crossed my mind: I'm not that naive - I really did know better. The obvious solutions - trying to fix it somehow, apologising - all didn't quite cut it. So ultimately, I think my husband has it right. When you've fucked up, you have to take responsibility and take whatever you get on the chin. That, too, comes with being a slut.
Wednesday 24 February 2010
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
Don't forget, while you're beating yourself up, that the other person has a responsibility too. You are not always responsible for how they feel, react. Even if you gave them to understand, (explicitly), that things were other than they were they too are responsible for how they feel. We could, of course be talking about collateral damage here, in which case, yeah, that's not great, but again, you're not wholly responsible. It is easy to take on the guilt for the world but "the other woman" is rarely the cause most often a symptom.
ReplyDeleteThanks, menthe, really, both for your continued interest and the insightful support! It's quite a challenging feat to figure out who carries which bit of responsibility and to take the bit that is mine and no more than that. My chief practical interest at this moment is to do what I can (within reason) to minimise the damage, so that's really all I want to say, but thank you!!!
ReplyDeleteMenthe is right--we all carry our responsibilities. You don't say what it was that you felt guily about--hurting another woman? Was this part of the lifestyle or away from it? Other peoples' motives and actions bear on your actions too. This is probably old news now, but there are limits to anyone's "guilt" in whatever circumstances.
ReplyDeleteI'd promised at the time I wouldn't say anything about the situation. It was a relationship that started as an openly agreed swinging relationship, until degrees of secrecy started creeping in on his part. In part I allowed that, in other parts he was disguising things from me also. It's a difficult one to figure out now, as I don't know what actually was the truth. My guilt was really about colluding with him as much as I did. It was against my own ethical principles and I knew it was wrong, but I was too crazy about him to want it to stop myself. So yes I felt guilty about any damage our behaviour may have caused their relationship, but more importantly I didn't feel like a decent person even in my own judgement. In hindsight, I feel my only failing was actually to violate my own principles. Those are incidentally complete honesty with all parties involved - factual and emotional honesty!
ReplyDelete